Hear Me Out

Hear me out - is my hope when I stumble into the conversation about the fact that I still make my kid’s beds, everyday. This conversation doesn't happen with any sort of regularity but over 17 years it has come up. The look, the pause, the vibe, it happens every time. Truthfully, no one has said ‘What a great mom thing to do’. Instead, I hear about how the boys should do that themselves. That I am spoiling them and not teaching responsibility. That especially, as a woman, I should not reinforce such gender roles and will no doubt be ruining things for their future partners. After all these years, I sort of marvel at the predictability of the conversation. It has made me more conscious of the knee jerk responses I have for some things.  

When I find myself in the conversation of bed making, I always try to point out that I do think responsibility is important. Even though Hawkeyes and Danger have not had to make their beds they have had age-appropriate responsibility throughout their lives. Mountain Man and I are firm believers in the value of hard work and that work is not only to be done when convenient or the feeling to do so arises. I had a girlfriend stay with us for a few days before she commented on an observation she had made. She said something along the lines of - I am surprised you pack the boy’s lunches. I had my daughter pack hers at a much younger age. However, we didn't live on a farm. She sure didn't get up before school to go and do barn chores, no matter the weather. I guess, there are a lot of different ways to teach a kid the same lesson. I think the boys have learned and continue to learn about responsibility. It just wasn't taught by the daily act of bed making.

For me, making beds is not about teaching responsibility. It is also not about gender roles and spoiled sons. Mountain Man is a great cook and does his share of cleaning. I split and stack wood and rarely back down from good old fashioned unskilled manual labour. We both play our parts in nurturing and disciplining the boys. Gender roles, for better or worse are not simply defined by the jobs that get done in a household. Gender roles are deeply rooted in our society. In our home we sometimes rebel against them. Other times we (emphasis - we) slip right into them without even noticing - heavy sigh. I do think gender roles and biases are something that will always be playing a part in our lives on this side of eternity. Who makes the bed in our home is not about gender roles. It is a choice I made a long time ago and not out of obligation or society’s dictation.

If you have made it this far, I assume you are ready to hear about the why behind my daily commitment to bed making. Over the years, at different times I have told the boys something like this:

Life is hard but here (your bed) is always ready and waiting for you. Every day I take a minute to pray for you and make this space for you. No matter what happens in life all you need to do is make it back here. This space is waiting for you. To give you rest from whatever it is that feels hard. From here, you get the opportunity to try again the next day. And if that doesn't go well, it's ok - this space will be ready for you again. 

On days when I have been a less than perfect mother, I am thankful to know that the made bed is waiting for them. That even when words don’t move well between us, when there is tension or frustration they know I was praying for them. I have also seen them take a few hard blows out in life and push through just to make it to their bed. In those moments, I lean on the prayers I have offered up every morning of their lives.

I am not sure where this idea came from, but I have stuck to it. The boys are older and sometimes they do make their beds. When that happens, I still go in, pat the pillows and pull at the blankets while I pray for them.  To me, it has felt like a practical way to express God’s love, grace and mercy. Every day it is there waiting for you. Some days you might not even notice but it is there. When you need it, you can count on it.

I believe this is what God wants his church to feel like. No matter what happens in life, every Sunday, it is there to welcome you. Give you rest, encouragement and hope for the week ahead. Some will come in and not notice but others will slip into the comfort of knowing God has prepared a place for them to feel loved, forgiven, and restored - over and over and over again.

J - the one Jesus Loves